“Any mind is a hostage to its habits. For perfectionistic minds, this is even more true. The perfectionist’s mind is a high-security prison guarded by guilt-tripping shoulds.” ~ Pavel Somov
Many times in my life I have fallen victim to the “shoulds.” I did things not because I wanted to, but because a guilty feeling in my thoughts told me that if I was a good girl then I should do this. Perfectionists even take the shoulds to another level by telling themselves to try harder and never make a mistake. When guilt enters into the formula, then we do something out of sense of duty rather than desire. Many times we aren’t even aware we are doing these things we feel we should be doing, it is part of our driven perfectionist mindset – we are on automatic pilot and being mindless. So, how do you deal with the shoulds? First, you recognize that you have used the word should when talking about doing something. Awareness is the key and I find it amusing now how often I say, “I should do this.” Once I am aware, I realize that I have a choice. So, I look at the situation and truly determine if I have a desire to do this thing or if I am only doing it out of a sense of duty to someone or something. It is so freeing to know that I have a choice and I can say no without guilt. The purpose is to unmask the shoulds to find our true wants and desires. I have learned what others have been saying for years and that No is a complete sentence. I usually want to add qualifiers and reasons why I can’t do something, but that is just my pleaser personality wanting to make everyone happy, so I am aware of this and stop at just saying no. It wasn’t initially easy to say No, but I practiced with some simple things as first. I don’t always say no as smoothly and comfortably as I would like, but I continue to improve and get better. The only person who can take care of me, is me and this perfectionist is no longer falling victim to the shoulds. Do you ever fall victim to the guilt tripping shoulds? The next time you recognize yourself saying you should do something, stop and realize you have a choice. Ask yourself, “are you doing this out of a sense of duty or do you truly have a desire to do this activity?” What happens?
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"To overcome perfectionism, you’d have to learn to accept reality for what it is at any given moment." ~ Pavel Somov
One of the aha moments for me in Pavel Somov’s book Present Perfect was that as a perfectionist, I was rejecting reality. I was not accepting things were as they were. In my mind, I believed that I knew what perfection was and I was doing everything in my power to make me perfect and the situation perfect. I was spending way too much time and effort striving to perfect the present moment to be in line with what I thought reality should be. No wonder I felt so much pressure and stress. Somov states, “We can think of things being different from how they are at this point in time, but this hypothetically better, ideal reality exists only in our minds. In reality, there is just reality.” This is so true; I realized I was living in my thoughts and not in the reality of the present moment. The advice that the author gives is to practice acceptance of this present moment as perfect. Many people view that acceptance and surrender means passivity. But acceptance is an active engagement of being mindful of the present moment and having the courage to be fully present. When you practice acceptance there is no comparison or judgment. Perfectionists are constantly judging what is with what theoretically could or should be. With acceptance I have learned that I am perfect and doing the best I can with my current level of knowledge. If I make a mistake, I own up to the mistake and recognize how to change and improve. The most important thing is to know that the present moment is perfect. It might not be what I had planned, but when I accept that this is how it is, life flows so much easier, and in most instances things are better than I ever imagined in my mind. Have you ever rejected reality by having a perfectionistic view of how things should be? Do you accept reality for what it is at any given moment? “Many of us are in a race against time. As a perfectionist, you are ahead of the pack with a yellow jersey on. In your fixation on meeting goals, you are speeding toward the future, dismissing the present as having only the significance of being a step on the way to a future moment of completion and accomplishment.” ~ Pavel Somov In the book Present Perfect, Pavel Somov discusses time as it relates to perfectionistic tendencies. For much of my life, I felt like I was in a battle against time. I had a view of time that Somov describes in the quote above where I dismissed the present for the completion of future accomplishments. I love his bicycle racing analogy with the yellow jersey as I was truly focused on achieving as many goals as I could until the time in that day was gone. I was not living in the present moment, but focused on the future. I was always rushing from one obligation to the next and not taking time to smell the roses. I would work long hours and multitask to get as many things done in a day as I could. But the list never seemed to end. I was focused on the destination and not the journey. Somov tells us that “Perfectionism is a future orientation, a looking beyond the present. As a perfectionist, you tend to be in the present only long enough to reject it: to confirm that reality once again failed your expectations of perfection and to reset your sights on the future.” And then I found art. I took my first art class and I loved it. I had never studied art in school. Remember, I was a perfectionist and art was not part of the curriculum to achieve my goals. For one day a week, I would leave work on time and go the art class. And during that class I learned about the flow of life and time was not an issue. I would be in the present moment, I did not think about work or anything else in my life. It was during my art class that I learned about needing to have a balance between work and play. Time is man-made phenomenon. We have created measurement devices to break life into decades, years, months, hours, minutes and seconds. But what I have really learned is that there is only now. I have changed my attitude, perceptions and beliefs about time and it is no longer a battle. Mindfulness has helped me to understand that I have a choice and there is only now and it is up to me to make each moment precious. How do you view time? Is there anything that you do where time feels like it stands still? How can you live more in the present moment? “Perfectionism is mostly a result of learning, programming, and conditioning. I see it as an ingenious adaptation to a hypercritical, high-pressure, invalidating environment, a psychological self-defense strategy that unfortunately creates more problems than it solves” ~ Pavel Somov
For the next several blog posts I am going to talk about perfection and the ideas from the book Present Perfect: A Mindfulness Approach to Letting Go of Perfectionism and the Need for Control by Pavel Somov. If you ever deal with issues of being a perfectionist then this is a great book to help you see each moment as perfect and not be so hard on yourself. The purpose of the book is to help you experience perfection without being perfectionistic. The book describes three types of perfectionistic hunger: approval/validation hunger, reflection/attention hunger, and control/certainty hunger. In approval/validation hunger you seek approval from others for your self worth. I was good at that, I worked hard and wanted a pat on the back from authority figures to tell me I was doing a good job and worthwhile. If you grew up insecure, you may have the second perfectionistic hunger which is to be perfect so that you gain attention from others. The third kind of perfection is controlling situations with the belief that everything will be perfect. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and my young mind thought that if I did everything perfectly and controlled everything at home then my parents would not get upset, would not drink and everything would be fine. As I embraced a mindfulness and meditation lifestyle, I now understand the present moment is perfect. I have learned that I am worthy and that seeking the approval from others doesn’t strengthen my self-esteem, it actually weakens it. I must love myself and get validation from within. True happiness comes from within. Trying to control things to make everything perfect doesn’t work. I had no control over my parents and their actions. and reactions My perfectionistic tendencies may have helped me survive my childhood, but they are not serving me well in adulthood. I have learned that it is much easier to go with the flow in life then to try and control it. I do my best in life and I do prepare and plan, but then I detach and let the Universe handle the details. I enjoy life much more when I surrender and don’t try to control situations. I can plan a party or a meeting, but I am not in control that everyone will have a great time or enjoy himself or herself. I do my best and let go of the rest. I have learned that I don’t have any control in what happens in life, only in my reactions. Do you have any of the perfectionistic hungers: approval/validation hunger, reflection/attention hunger, and control/certainty hunger? If yes, what can you do to live in the present moment and accept it as perfect? Photography by William Walther WjW Photography "There are many aspects to success; material wealth is only one component. ...But success also includes good health, energy and enthusiasm for life, fulfilling relationships, creative freedom, emotional and psychological stability, a sense of well-being, and peace of mind." ~Deepak Chopra
Since an early age, society has defined success to me as getting good grades, making the honor roll, being in the top 10% of the class and going to college. Then when I entered the workforce, success was about making money, excellent evaluations and promotions. But with age and a meditation practice, I view success differently now. I view success as being happy with who I am and living in the present moment. I am grateful for all that I have and it is enough. A daily meditation practice has helped me to live from a place of peace, follow my dharma and express gratitude. Meditation has lowered my blood pressure and provided more stability in my life especially when challenges occur. I am much less reactive and my stress levels are lower. I appreciate my body even with its aches, pains and problems. When my arthritic knee acts up, I send it love and healing energy. I know that I am part of the healing process in my own body. Success also includes fulfilling relationships and I am blessed to have many close friends. I spend time and energy cultivating relationships that further my spiritual and creative being. In addition to spending time with friends, I also spend time in silence connecting with my inner self. From this place of emotional and psychological stability I have more to offer my friends and family. I love life. I know I am more than my grades, accomplishments and the things I own. I am blessed to be successful in a myriad of realms. How do you view success? How can you foster more success in your life? "Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens." ~ Khalil Gibran
One of my meditation mentors, davidji, shares that we get to choose whether something that happens is a miracle or a grievance. I love this philosophy and it has really changed my approach to life. It is all about the attitude that I bring to my life. Things are going to happen and I get to choose whether I view each situation as a miracle or a grievance. There is a great Taoist fable that exemplifies this philosophy. There was a farmer who had one horse. One day, his horse ran away. His neighbors said, “We are so sorry. This is such bad news. You must be so upset.” The man said, “We'll see.” A few days later, his horse came back with twenty wild horses. The man and his son rounded up the horses. His neighbors said, “Congratulations! This is such good news. You must be so happy!” The man said, “We'll see.” One of the wild horses bucked the man's only son off and he broke his legs. His neighbors said, “We are so sorry. This is such bad news. You must be so upset.” The man said, “We'll see.” The country went to war, and every able-bodied young man was drafted to fight. The war was terrible and killed every young man, but the farmer's son was spared, since his broken legs prevented him from being drafted. His neighbors said, “Congratulations! This is such good news. You must be so happy!” The man said, “We'll see.” We have all had things happen in our life similar to the farmer. We label things as good or bad, but in reality they are just things that happened to us and we get to choose our attitude and how we react. We are not in control of life, but we are in control of how we react. This summer, my roof blew off, my bathroom flooded, my hard drive crashed, my car stopped running while I was driving it and I needed to have a root canal redone. I chose to be like the farmer and see what happens. I chose to have an attitude of acceptance and dealt with each situation as it occurred. Then the monsoon rains came and my new roof kept the rain out, the bathroom flood brought new tile throughout the house and fresh painted walls, I have a new hard drive on my computer and I can keep on creating blogs, my car got serviced and it runs great and it no longer hurts when I eat food. In the past if this many things would have happened to me at once, I would have probably taken the “poor me” approach, but in reality each of these things brought something better into my life including reinforcing the importance of going with the flow and choosing my attitude. Each of these challenges presented me with the opportunity to choose miracle or grievance and looking back now, I know that my life is a miracle. When challenges happen in your life, do you view them as good or bad or practice acceptance? Do you choose your attitude when something you label as bad occurs? Has something in your life that you originally labeled as a grievance turned out to be a miracle? “Is it true; is it kind, or is it necessary?” ~Socrates
It has been more than a year since I attended a silent retreat. I loved the week in silence and I realized how much talk is unnecessary. But, when I returned to the real world that talks incessantly, I fell victim to jumping in to conversations and adding things. I have noticed that when I am aware and focusing on being a good listener, that I say a lot less. I am fortunate to have an amazing group of seven women friends from elementary school and high school. We all now live in different cities and states, but for the last 16 years we have been getting together once a year in different places. Each year we are so excited to see each other and hear about everything that everyone is doing that conversations become fast and furious. Last weekend when were together, we were having a lively conversation and one friend pointed out that she was unable to finish a story because we kept interrupting her with questions and comments. And she was right. We weren’t being good listeners, we kept taking the conversations off on different tangents and the person talking was not able to share the complete story. At that point, I remembered the lesson that I learned from the silent retreat about being mindful in conversations. Before I speak, I will remember to ask myself these questions:
In most cases, what I am going to say is true and kind, but is not necessary. I realized that I need to be more present in conversations and truly listen to what the other person is saying and not let my mind wander to what I want to say or jump in with questions. This was another reminder that silence is golden and I need to be present in conversations and listen more than I speak. Are you conscious during conversations or is your mind wandering to what you want to say or ask? Try implementing asking your self “Is it true; is it kind, or is it necessary?” when you are involved in conversations. What happens? “I decide that if it is so hard to own up to my own accomplishments, to take a compliment, to not duck my head and choose Door Number Two, then I’m going to say YES to accepting any and all acknowledgments of personal fabulous awesomeness with a clear, calm “Thank you” and a confident smile and nothing more.” ~Shonda Rhimes
I am currently listening to Shonda Rhimes book Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person and I can relate to many things. Shonda owns Thursday night television with her shows Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, Scandal and How to Get Away with Murder and yet she reveals that she had a hard time accepting compliments. In the book, she shares that powerful woman duck their heads, laugh, or dismiss compliments about their success and talents. Women don’t want to come off as cocky or arrogant. And I realized that this true for me. I remember the school counselor where I worked, once told me, as an adult, that I needed to learn to accept compliments – I would laugh them off or dismiss whatever they said as no big deal. The counselor told me to learn to just say thank you. She told me to stop at thank you and be gracious and especially not to add any qualifiers that minimized the compliment - I was really good at adding those minimizing comments. Shonda's advice is very similar, she shares that when you are given a compliment you should just say thank you, smile and shut up. I have made progress in accepting compliments, but this book made me realize that I still have a ways to go. I just watched a little video that my husband shot when I recently won second place at an art show. And do you know what I saw? I saw exactly what Shonda Rhimes said women do – I ducked my head as I was called up to receive the award, and I didn’t duck it once, but 3 times. For years, I have worked on my low self-esteem and I know that part of the reason I have a hard time accepting compliments is that the compliment contradicts the negative self-image I have of myself. I now understand that I am good enough and am deserving of compliments as I really do work very hard and I have accomplished a lot in my life. I thought I had come further in developing my confidence and self-image, but this video made me aware that there is still work to be done. I know that I am not alone in having difficulty accepting compliments and if people like Shonda Rhimes have trouble there are a lot of us who need work. Artwork is subjective. The piece that won 2nd place at this show was rejected from another show just a month ago, so it was easy for me to dismiss the compliments about my work. Plus, there were so many other talented artists and works displayed at this exhibit that I felt fortunate to have been selected. I know I need to be more gracious and humble when being given a compliment and to really hear what is being said and let it soak into my being. Even putting the picture of me with the 2nd place award on this page is difficult. But, I want to be like Shonda and say yes to life and do the hard things in life that scare me and accept the compliment from this award with confidence. I want to learn to express Shonda’s clear, calm and confident thank you when someone compliments me – I am a work in progress. How about you? Do you have trouble accepting compliments? Why or Why not? Shonda shares that accepting compliments is more difficult for women. Do you agree and why do you think women have more trouble accepting compliments? “Recently I’ve been thinking about the difference between the résumé virtues and the eulogy virtues. The résumé virtues are the ones you list on your résumé, the skills that you bring to the job market and that contribute to external success. The eulogy virtues are deeper. They’re the virtues that get talked about at your funeral, the ones that exist at the core of your being.” ~ David Brooks
I have come to a stage in my life where I am attending more funerals. My friends and their spouses are now passing and as I attend the Celebrations of Life, it gives me pause to reflect on what matters most in life. We live in a society that values success based on accomplishments. I remember a university professor telling me that getting my doctoral degree would look good on my résumé. He then told me that being on the Arizona Board of Regents (ABOR) would also be good for my résumé, so the over-achiever in me applied. I earned my doctoral degree and served as the first student-voting member of the ABOR and along with all of my other accomplishments; I had a good-looking résumé. But, so what? Most people didn’t even know I had a doctoral degree, the only time I used it was to sign correspondence for grants and letters of recommendation. At one point in my career, I realized I was no longer going to say yes to something just because it would look good on my résumé. The things I said yes to would have to provide a deeper meaning in my life. I now realize that for me, the eulogy virtues are the important things to nurture. I spend more time now focusing on how I show up each day and the relationships I develop and foster with others. The accomplishments on my résumé aren’t my goals any longer. I look for how I can best serve my purpose in life; in Sanskrit this is known as dharma. Each morning prior to meditation, I ask the Deepak Chopra’s Four Soul questions:
The answers to these questions change, but with time my answers have become deeper and less egocentric and more universal. The answers become my guiding principals in life and they help me to focus my attention on my true desires, which are after all the eulogy virtues. Are résumé virtues or eulogy virtues more important in your life? Why? What words and phrases would you like people to say about you at your eulogy? “Don't let people who don't matter too much, matter too much.” ~ Wes Moore
I was recently watching Super Soul Sunday and Oprah was interviewing Wes Moore and he made the statement above and it was a good reminder that I worry too often about what others think. I fell victim to this again recently when I was in a golf tournament. I am relatively new to golf and my husband asked me to join him in a scramble tournament. In scramble format, all players tee off, choose the best shot, and all play their next shots from the location of the best shot. I did not know the other players in the team and I did not want to let them down because of my skill level. I once again was getting worried about what others would think of me. Prior to the day of the event, I practiced at the tournament course and did terrible – I got mad, cussed worse than Melissa McCarthy in her movie The Heat and even threw a club. Even though I meditate daily and practice mindfulness, I am still human and lose my cool (not as much as I used to, but it still happens). After the round of golf and reflecting that I was not living in a mindful and peaceful manner, I knew that I needed to journal about the experience. Awareness is the key, and I was aware that this was atrocious behavior that I wanted to change. As I journaled, I realized that I was not living in the present moment, I was worried about what others would think of me and I was returning to one of my old core beliefs that I was not good enough. Remembering that I took up golf as a fun way to spend time with my husband, enjoy nature and live in the present moment, I knew that I needed to follow that philosophy for the tournament. I also realized I was worrying about people I will probably never see again in my life and I was letting what they thought of me matter way too much. This story has a happy ending as I had a blast at the tournament. I set my intention to do my best and detach from the outcome. No, we didn’t win the tournament, but we weren’t in last place either. I was quite surprised that we used my shot as the best one more times than I ever imagined. I might not hit the ball far, but I hit it straight and with the advantage from the women’s tees I had some drives that we used, along with some chips and putts. I even won the closest to the pin challenge for women (okay it was mostly men in the tournament, but I got a new pair of golf shoes out of it so I was happy), I won a $50 raffle prize and $15.00 at the Casino. I lived in the present moment, enjoyed the beautiful course and the fun times with my husband and the other two men in our team. I never cussed, threw my clubs, or got upset. For me, this was a great reminder to let go of what others think of me, to do my best each and every day and detach from the outcome. Do you ever let people who don’t matter too much, matter too much? What could you do to let go of worrying about what others think about you? "Our experiences are a bigger part of ourselves than our material goods. You can really like your material stuff. You can even think that part of your identity is connected to those things, but nonetheless they remain separate from you. In contrast, your experiences really are part of you. We are the sum total of our experiences." ~ Daniel Gilovich
After my recent purging of stuff, I really began to take stock of my stuff and what it really means to me and about me. I have been learning over the last several years about the research that having experiences is more beneficial to us than purchasing stuff. So, I have been fostering more experiences with friends. Now, that is not to say that I didn’t love the golf balls, flameless candles, flowers and books that I received for my birthday, but I think the memory of doing things with friends will have a longer lasting memory. A friend and I have our birthdays within two weeks of each other and we have adopted the philosophy of having experiences with one another. The last two years we have gone to Mount Lemmon and spent time together chatting, meditating and hiking and I treasure those times together. Even the experiences that didn’t live up to our expectations create memories that we laugh about for years. We both enjoy walking labyrinths and we found what sounded like a great place with a lot of labyrinths. But it ended up being a little bizarre; on one labyrinth we even rode an adult sized big wheel. But, the memories of that experience trigger all the laughs we had and strengthen the bonds of our friendship. For birthdays, another friend and I go to lunch and the movies; it is a fun filled day where we spend one-on-one quality time together and cherish our friendship. Many friends and I now just celebrate life events by getting together and connecting. To me time spent with friends is the best gift of life. I am blessed to have so many friends and I am grateful for all of the experiences that I have from our times together. I treasure the time we spend together doing simple and amazing things. Do you prefer experiences or stuff when celebrating life events like birthdays? Think of some of your favorite memories in life – are they about experiences or things you purchased or were given to you? “Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.” John Ruskin
I am a Pluviophile. Do you know what a pluviophile is? It is a lover of rain. I live in the desert southwest and we average about 11-12 inches of rain per year. So rain brings joy to my heart. I love it and so do the plants – we have had a good monsoon and our mountains are lush and green. Today we are having a gentle rain and it is calming and peaceful. Typically in the summer we have monsoons and we receive a lot of rain in a short amount of time, but today and I am grateful for the soft and tender rain. As a pluviophile, I delight in the smell of rain. I love it when I go outside prior to a rainstorm and get a whiff of that beautiful fragrance of approaching rain. I am not big on perfumes, but I would use the smell of rain or request it as a fragrance for my car if it could be bottled. I revel being outside in the rain. I took my cup of coffee outside and sat in my chair under the porch and watched the rain hit the plants and the droplets glistened on the stems. I enjoyed seeing how the water drops formed and rippled out on the flagstone and admired the beauty of each raindrop. We are fortunate in Tucson to have stunning blue skies, but the grayness of a rainy day is dramatic in another way – everything appears softer and fills me with a sense of peace. Pluviophiles also love the sound of rain. Listening to water in its many forms brings me joy. Today, I have treasured hearing the sound of rain on my new roof and the sound as it hits the ground. There is no need for music on rainy days for rain is a primordial sound and I appreciate the changes in rhythm and tempo as the intensity of the rain changes. Today is a perfect day with the gentle rain, but every day is a perfect day when you live in the present moment. There are many kinds of weather and I appreciate each kind for what it offers. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow states, “The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain.” May you find peace and joy in each day no matter what type of weather. Are you a pluviophile? What do you like best about rain? “Keep only those things that speak to your heart. Then take the plunge and discard all the rest. By doing this, you can reset your life and embark on a new lifestyle.” ~Marie Kondo
After the roof blowing off our house and the flood in the master bathroom and bedroom, it has been the summer of remodeling. We have lived in our house for almost 20 years; we have acquired a lot of stuff. So, when we had to move all of our furniture and items from every closet into the living room so they could put in the new tile it was an eye opener. I am a person who purges on a regular basis and gets rid of stuff, but when you move everything from a 2000 square foot house into your living room, you see how much stuff you really have. We have too much stuff and I went on a BIG PURGE. I have filled bags and boxes and made at least 10 trips to donate clothes, furniture and household items to local agencie. I have thrown away bags and bags of things and shredded years of old documents –I no longer need the addendum contract for coaching softball from 1983. Things went into folders and were never looked at again – I got rid of a ton of manuals for devices we no longer own. It was an arduous process to go through every document in the files and every item in the closets and rooms, but now that I am almost done, it feels wonderful. The hardest things for me to purge were the mementos and knick-knacks from awards, trips and friends. I am grateful for the awards I have won in my life – but they are not who I am. The awards, plaques and trophies were at my office when I worked. But now that I am retired, most of the awards went into boxes in closets or hung in the guest bedroom and I decided it was time to let them all go. I took photographs of all the key items in case I ever want to see them again and then I got rid of them. It was a very freeing feeling. I have lots more space now. It has been another great lesson in detachment and detaching to material things. I got rid of furniture and there is more empty space in the rooms – I don’t have to fill every inch of each room with furniture and things. I got rid of so many knick-knacks that on many surfaces of tables and desks I don’t have anything on top of them. It will make it easier to dust and clean and feels more open. I looked at each item in my house and asked if the item spoke to my heart and brought me joy and if it didn’t, I got rid of it. I am resetting my life and embarking on a new lifestyle - less is more. It feels like a new home and I am excited about it. Do you have things in your home that no longer speak to your heart? Why are you still holding on to them? Do you need to get rid of any clutter in your house or workspace? If the answer is yes, what is stopping you? “If you’re wondering whether a choice is wise or not, don’t search your mind for a rational argument. Instead, hold each option in your attention, then feel its effect on your body and emotions. When something’s wrong for you, you’ll feel constriction and tightness. The wise choice leads to feelings of liberation, even exhilaration.” ~ Martha Beck
For most of my life, I was taught to make decisions from my head – I used my intellect. I would make a list of pros and cons. Then I would weigh the pros and cons and sometimes give a numerical value to each pro and con and total up the values for each side. I am an analytical person and I could take any big decision I had to make and put it into a spreadsheet and determine the best solution. Lately, I am learning not to make all of my decisions with my head. I am using my heart and gut to make decisions. I still consider the rational logic considerations from my head. But, I also listen to my heart and I feel the emotions inside my body from each of the possible outcomes and see which one feels better to me. I look for the feelings of constriction and liberation as tools to help me make my decisions. I also use my gut for decision-making – it is that inner knowing from my core being. When I have a big decision now, I make sure that I am coming from a good space and I listen to my body and the emotions I feel and I also listen to the wisdom of the universe that comes when I am in a peaceful and quiet space. I meditate on the decision and I don’t always get the answer during meditation, but if I come from a place of peace, I receive the signs of which decision would serve me the best. Sometimes my gut has a different solution than my head, but when I look deeper, it is usually because my ego has gotten involved and I am afraid or scared of a particular solution. With a meditation and mindfulness practice, I have learned to listen and trust my intuition. I use my head, heart and gut to make decisions. Do you make decisions from your head, your heart or your gut? Which works best for you and why? “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few. Treat every moment as your last. It is not preparation for something else.” ~Shunryu Suzuki
After one of my recent blog posts about letting go, Peggie shared that she was going on a canoe trip in Alaska, which was a new adventure for her, and posted a comment that said, “Relinquishing control was easier than I thought it would be. I think my novice status contributed to letting go. That and deciding in advance to let go. I am going to be more mindful of the freedom of being a novice. It's a lot of fun!” She brings up the philosophy of coming at everything with a beginner's mind. In our everyday life, we encounter so many things that we see and do without ever thinking about them – we do them out of habit. But in doing things in a habitual manner, we miss opportunities and possibilities. When was the last time you stopped and smelled the roses and really looked at their texture and color and appreciated their beauty? When you slow down and live in the present moment you can experience the flowers and all of the items you see and hear, the tastes and smell of your food, the relationships with the people and animals you interact with every day from a fresh perspective. You will begin to appreciate things that you take for granted. For example, today was the first day, after my root canal, that I could chew on the right side of my mouth. I had taken the ability to chew for granted. But today, I am approaching chewing from a beginner’s mind and doing it slowly and easily and being grateful that I can now chew again. Think of a time when you did something that was new to you. For me, the new experience was paddleboarding. I listened to every piece of advice I could get about how to stand up, how to balance, how to get back up when I fell off and how to make turns. I then took that knowledge and applied it and found out what worked for me. I applied previous knowledge from kayaking and windsurfing to what I was learning. I did not let my ego get involved and think that I knew what to do; I listened to the advice of teenagers and others who were successful. It was a blissful experience to do something new and approach it from a beginner’s mind. We need to remember to try and look at each experience from a beginner’s mind and see if there is something new we can see and appreciate. We can look at the activity and see how it affects us physically, emotionally and mentally. Come from that place of innocence where there are no doubts, limitations or fears. Embrace life like a toddler learning to walk – you will fall down and make mistakes, but you will also experience moments of pure ecstasy too. I embraced paddleboarding like a toddler, - I was shaky when I got up, I was unbalanced, and I fell off. But, when I was successfully paddling across the lake I was living in the present moment and blissed out. How can you bring more moments of the “beginner’s mind” into your daily life? How often to you try new things? What is something you have always wanted to try but have been putting off? How would your life be different if you embraced everything from the perspective of a novice instead of an expert? "At the deepest level, the creative process and the healing process arise from a single source.” ~Rachel Naomi Remen I had so much fun with a root canal on my back tooth that I decided to do it again. Okay, not really, but I am grateful for dentists and endodontists even though visits to them are not high on my list of fun things to do. I get to choose my attitude and I feel fortunate to live in a time when dentists can relieve my pain. My tooth has been causing pain for over a month. I thought I could wait until my six-month visit in three weeks, but in addition to the pain when eating and after eating for hours, the pain was waking me in my sleep. And anyone who knows me understands that I need my sleep. I have a great dentist and staff and I learned that the root canal I had 25 years ago could fail – who knew? Once they saw my problem, they got me an appointment with an endodontist on the same day. So, all I had to do was wait for 6 hours. The tooth was throbbing like it had its own heartbeat, so I decided to paint with watercolors. And like magic, I was in the present moment putting paint to paper and for hours the pain was not in the forefront of my mind. I painted small wet-into-wet pieces of nature. They are not masterpieces, but they were the perfect pain reliever. The painting above is one of the pain relieving pieces. The creative process brought me to the present moment and eased my pain. How can you use present moment awareness when you are in pain? “I would say I was always very ambitious and goal-oriented, but rather than being just a go-getter hustler, now I surrender a lot more and I trust my path a lot more.” ~ Jenna Dewan
I was going through old notebooks and found a piece of advice from a friend that got me through a difficult time at work. During that time in my life, I didn’t have a mindfulness practice, yet he taught me an important mindfulness practice to surrender and let go because I didn’t have control. My friend got me to read a great book Now, Discover Your Strengths by Buckingham and Clifton and I learned that two of my deep strengths are responsibility and achiever. Responsibility and achiever are good strengths to have in the work place. I took full responsibility for each task I was given and the achiever in me wanted to do the best job possible. But, my friend pointed out that for my psychological safety I needed to look at the situation that was causing me to suffer and realize that many things were WAY outside of my control. He got me to comprehend that I couldn’t own the pieces that I didn’t have control over and it was important to separate myself from the things I didn’t have control over. In work situations there can be may be issues with politics, bosses, their bosses, co-workers, technology, software, and other things to numerable to list. I had to let go of beating myself up when all of my hard work wasn’t making a difference. He told me to TRUST that everything would work out. I still worked very hard and did the best I could, but I let go of my expected outcome - it made a huge difference in my attitude and sanity. Now seven years later, I realize how valuable the advice was - it was just the beginning of learning to trust in a power greater than myself and to learn to surrender and go with the flow when you aren’t in control. And we are never in control. I am so grateful to have received the advice so that I survived and thrived during a difficult time. I am also grateful to now have a mindfulness practice that focuses on those key concepts of acceptance, surrender and trusting the path. What are your greatest strengths? How do you take care of your psychological safety when things in your life are outside of your control? “Creativity reduces stress, anxiety, depression, and can increase a positive outlook and lead to a better immune system response.” ~Doreen Virtue
One of the best ways for me to live in the present moment is when I do creative endeavors. I never thought of myself as a “creative” person. I took my first art class in my thirties. In my first watercolor class I learned to mix colors and I thought it was magical; I entered another realm of time and space. On Wednesday’s I would leave work on time and attend a 3-hour painting class. During that time, I was in the now. All of the issues from work and in my life just disappeared from my thoughts. Art brought balance into my life. I am currently reading Jean Haines new book Paint Yourself Calm. This is a book about creating mindfulness using watercolors; it is not a how-to book about creating masterpieces to hang on your wall. Jean states in her book, “Anyone can paint. Not only anyone, but everyone.” If you have never painted with watercolor and want to experience the joy of living in the present moment, then this book is for you. If painting is not your creative path, then you might try some other current trends including meditative coloring books and mindful doodling (Zentangle). There are many other ways to be creative too – you can be artistic when cooking, gardening, taking photographs, quilting, scrap-booking, making crafts, jewelry making, or whatever brings your focus to the here and now and lets your forget about your worries and regrets. Creativity is nurturing for our body, mind and soul. What are your favorite creative activities? How can you find more time in your life to be creative? Is there some creative activity that you have always wanted to try? If yes, get a book, sign up for a class, or watch an online tutorial and get started on a calmer new you. Photography by William Walther WjW Photography “If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” ~Amit Ray
I was on a road trip and we encountered a major thunderstorm that was very nerve wracking for me as the passenger. We were on the freeway and I noticed that up ahead were ominous looking dark clouds. Once we hit the storm, it was a torrential down pour. We had the wipers going at full speed and you could barely see the car in front of us. Many cars had pulled over to the side of the road, some with their flashers on and others with their lights turned off. It was a dangerous situation; we were in the middle lane of the three-lane highway. Every car and truck, but ours, had their flashers on as they were driving. The highway was flooded with water so whenever a semi-truck passed us we had another major impact of water, in addition to the rain, so we were blinded for a few seconds. We were in this intense storm for forty-five minutes and needless to say I did not enjoy it. Why didn’t I enjoy it? Because I wasn’t in control; I wasn’t driving and I could not control the weather. And then I remembered “Oh yeah, I am never in control.” At the point I became aware that I was not in control, I remembered that I needed to practice present moment awareness. The first thing I did was take slow deep breaths. That made me aware that I had been taking shallow breaths and that I had tensed all of my muscles. Deep Breathing with longer exhalations than inhalations immediately helped to relax my body and mind. Then I remembered that I needed to surrender to the situation, as I had no control over what would happen. My mind was racing with thoughts of all of the things that could happen (car crashes, death, etc.), but I needed to be present in the now and just accept what was actually happening. As soon as I surrendered, a deep calm overwhelmed my body. It was amazing – it was actually a blissful feeling in the midst of this uncertainty. I didn’t enjoy the storm and I was grateful when the storm let up, but I learned a great lesson in letting go and practicing acceptance. How do you bring calmness to yourself and your body when you are in stressful situations? How do you conquer the anxiety of life? “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” ~Buddha
Recently on my camping trip, I would sit in my chair with my cup of coffee and admire the beauty of nature all around me. I spent a lot of time watching the birds. I loved watching the geese and especially the baby geese; they were so cute swimming in the lake. The father was very protective of his children as he came squawking up to me as I took pictures from the shore. He made his point and I backed away. My favorite bird to watch was the blue heron. I loved to hear the thwack of their wings as they flew overhead. But, what I loved to watch most was how the heron would just stand silently still in the water for hours. I wanted to emulate that heron and just “be.” He was modeling for me how to live in the present moment; he wasn’t busy off doing little things, he was just being. I am sure that he had a time to eat and clean, but most of the time when I saw him, he was just majestically standing there and living in the present moment. I learned a lot from watching nature and how the birds and animals didn’t seem to struggle. The animals had a pattern - the beavers were swimming in the early evenings making their lodges, the fish were jumping for the insects at dusk and dawn, and the frogs and toads made there mating calls at night. The animals did not seem to be dwelling in the past or worried about the future, they were taking Buddha’s advice and living in the present moment and making the most of it. When I get busy “doing” too many things, I will pause, take a deep breath to calm my body and emulate the heron by coming to a place of stillness. What can you do to concentrate the mind on the present moment? How can you emulate the heron in your own life? “Knowing how the environment is pulling your strings and playing you is critical to making responsive rather than reactive moves.” ~ Ronal Heifetz
Are there ever times in your life when you find that you are overreacting to a situation? Yes, something did occur, but your reaction to the situation is out of proportion to the actual event. Congratulations, the first step to leading a mindful life is awareness and you are demonstrating awareness. The next step is to delve deeper into the your reaction and see if you can find the underlying cause so that the next time something like this happens you won’t have your automatic reaction and you can consciously respond differently which will bring more peace in your life. Recently, I was attempting to go paddle boarding while I was on a vacation. I tried to go on Wednesday, but the women working at the concession said that since it would be my first time I should wait until Friday when her supervisor was there because she could give me a lesson. She told me to come first thing in the morning as the water is calmer and she called her supervisor and told her my name. On Friday morning I got there a little after 9:00 when they opened to learn that the supervisor had booked a big group at 10:00 AM so I would have to wait until they were done. I really wanted to do this, it was our last day and I was upset. I took a walk around the lake and at 10:00 I did not see anybody go out on paddleboards. I returned at 11:00 when I was told to return and learned that the group didn’t go out until later and wouldn’t be back until 12:30. I knew that afternoons brought wind and I got even more upset. In the end, I did get to go paddle boarding at 12:45 and the water was the calmest it had been all week and I had a wonderful time; it was even better than had I gone out at 9:00 AM It was a positive for me and a positive for the company as they made a lot of money with the big group. But, I had wasted several hours being upset and I was mad at myself. The problem was that I was upset and I was upset beyond what was normal for this situation. So, I practiced what I know when I have a reaction that isn’t in line with the situation. I meditate on it and I journal about it. It isn’t like I get a big document with the answers clearly explained comes to me, but I get bits and pieces of the answer until it makes sense or until I get to the place where I know the stimulus and I change the response. In journaling, I learned that on vacations when I am super excited about something and it doesn’t work the way “I planned” that I get upset beyond what is normal. I am now aware of this and have realized many things on vacations don’t go as planned – that is normal, it is just like life. I need to go more with the flow, be conscious in my reactions and remember that in most cases things actually worked out better. Can you think of a recent time when you overreacted to a situation? Journal about it and see if you can come up with why or at least a plan for the future for what to do if something similar happen. “The Girl Scouts is an organization that constantly gives you new goals to achieve and that's what life is all about.” ~Maria Bartiromo
Recently I was on a camping trip, and one night around the campfire I was asking a friend about her camping experiences. I learned that she never had any camping experiences as a child. It was another time that made me aware and grateful for all I have in my life. Camping is a big part of my life and Girls Scouts was a crucial component that nurtured my love for camping and nature. I had the most amazing Girl Scout leaders. They gave up so much of their time and energy for us. When our Brownie troop had the “fly up” ceremony from Brownies to Juniors we actually flew on an American Airlines sightseeing flight that took us over Arizona – I especially remember seeing the Grand Canyon from the plane. This was 1965, so most girls had never been on an airplane and one girl even got sick, but it was a once in a lifetime experience. Notice, that this was a time when people dressed up to ride on an airplane – we even had to wear our white gloves. In our Brownie troop we made “sit upons,” participated in crafts, earned badges, tied knots and sold cookies door-to- door, and we had a lot of fund raisers so we could take an airplane ride. The truly important thing was that we learned to build friendships, be creative, push ourselves beyond our comfort zone and we developed a strong work ethic. Girl Scouts provided so many experiences that shaped my life. We were backpacking in the Superstition Mountains and our leaders got lost. It was raining and our packs got soaked. We will always remember setting up our tube tents on the muddy ground, trying to cook meals over candles and having to share sleeping bags because our mummy bags got soaked in the rain. I also canoed down the Colorado and we experienced the London Bridge for the first time. I went white water rafting on the Green River and remember we were small enough to wedge ourselves between the pontoons at the front of the boat and we took turns riding the rapids from that perspective. I learned silly songs that I could still sing today– heck I could even probably do some of the hand motions to Doodly Doo. I can’t remember a lot of little things like what I had for dinner last week, but I can remember “Sarasponda, sarasponda, sarasponda ret set set.” I know about s’mores, cooking dinners in foil packets, making fires, how to waterski and snow ski, and so many other camping skills. But, the experiences I had in Scouting were the most important part – I learned life skills like creative problem solving skills, a love of nature and created bonds of friendship that are priceless. I am grateful to our leaders who gave up so much of their time to make a difference in our lives. We were very lucky and I am a stronger and more compassionate person because of those experiences. Who and what are you grateful for from your childhood? “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” ~ Charles R. Swindoll
As I teach in my meditation classes, having a daily meditation practice does not eliminate stress in your life, but it changes your reactions to the stress in your life. Last week, I had several opportunities to put this philosophy to the test and see that I am much less reactive to challenging situations. I was having a wonderful time camping, when the neighbor who watches our house while we are gone texted to say that part of our roof had blown off. The old me, prior to developing a daily meditation practice, would have worried for the rest of the trip and/or would have wanted to pack up and go home. I would have not enjoyed my time in nature and not have been present with friends as my mind would have been spinning in all directions imaging a variety of scenarios. And the funny thing is when we did pull into our carport the damage was far worse than I expected, but nothing would have changed if I had worried or came home early. It was a good lesson to remind me that worrying doesn’t help and to live in the present moment and deal with the situation one step at a time. Then two days later after I took my bath, the bathtub didn’t drain and backed up into the other shower and the seal around the toilet leaked and ruined the laminate wood flooring in the master bath and water leaked into the carpet in the master bedroom. We tried valiantly that night to resolve the issues with the tools at home but to no avail. The next morning we pulled up the flooring and padding and we finally got a plumber out here at noon. Our problem is resolved, but now I truly understand the phrase “shit happens” as I experienced the shit first hand. There was lots of cleanup and getting rid of the sewer smell and drying up the carpet in the master bedroom and remaining flooring near the toilet. Now we will need to put flooring in the bathroom as we are down to the cement foundation. But, I am feeling lots of gratitude for plumbers and roofers and all of the things I do have in life. I get to choose my attitude and I choose to be upbeat. Is this what I wanted to happen in my life? No. Is this what I planned to happen? No. But it is what happened. I didn’t complain and say “poor me” and I didn’t waste time worrying about any of it. I accepted the situation, surrendered and dealt with each event as it happened and moved on to the next thing that needed to be done to solve the problem. I didn’t waste any energy being angry or upset and it really was a much more peaceful way to deal with the challenges that occur in life. How do you deal with the challenges in life? What can you do to improve how you deal with the challenges in your life? "There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way."~ Thich Nhat Hanh If you ask most people what they want, they want to be happy. The quote above shares the wisdom of life; there is no external thing or person that will make you happy. You cannot seek happiness, it is not something that eludes you; happiness is within you. Once you practice acceptance of what is and choose not to struggle or suffer you will find gratitude in everyone and everything and you will experience true happiness. The Dalai Lama says, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." There is a story that when John Lennon was 5 years old, his mom always told him that happiness was the key to life. When he went to school, they asked him what I wanted to be when he grew up. He wrote down ‘happy.’ They told him that he didn’t understand the assignment and he told them that they didn’t understand life. I agree with John Lennon and his mom that happiness and contentment is the key to life. I concur with Thich Nhat Hanh that happiness is the way. I will express gratitude for this amazing life and practice compassion. Are you happy? What will you do to bring more happiness into your life? “Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.” ~Khalil Gibran
I have not met a person on earth yet who has not had to deal with challenging situations. The biggest lesson that I have learned is that it life is about how you react and deal with the difficult situations. The experts tell us that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional and I agree. When I catch myself going into “suffering” mode, I ask if this is the best way to spend my time and energy and what will be accomplished with my suffering. If I am angry with another person or feel that I have been wronged, my suffering will not affect them. If I am ill, my suffering will not improve my pain or disease. I accept the situation, learn from it and take actions to positively deal with the challenge. One of my favorite quotes by David Simon is “How do you get what you want? You want what you get.” Acceptance of life is the best way to contentment. I get to choose how my mind looks at situations. I get to choose my attitude. Life goes so much easier when I go with the flow of the river instead of trying to swim against the current. Do you believe suffering is optional? What attitude do you bring to difficult situations? |
Author
Peggy Steffens is an artist and Chopra Certified Meditation Instructor My goal is to build a community with like-minded individuals who want to grow, share and learn from one another. Please post comments to enrich the experience for all.
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